A few things I've learned
The Ottawa Citizen
T
he price of a drink at Starbucks increases proportionally to the number of words required to order it.
If bench advertising actually worked there would be fewer bench ads for bench advertising.
Don't take financial advice from "financial advisers" at banks who display awards for making the most sales. They care more about taking your money than making you money.
A man who is vacuuming when his wife leaves the house will be watching television before her car leaves the driveway.
Children who must finish their vegetables before getting dessert can eat whole green peppers in three seconds.
Bookcases in living rooms contain award-winning literary novels. Bookcases in bedrooms contain books that have actually been read.
Saving all your passwords on your laptop in a file called "passwords" is a bad idea.
People considering taking up golf should take up crystal meth instead. It is cheaper and less addictive.
Don't bother saving room for dessert at a Chinese buffet. The cooked dishes are bad enough. The desserts barely qualify as food.
A man who encourages his wife to go shopping wants to go to a driving range.
A woman who encourages her husband to go golfing is having an affair.
People who drive crappy cars should turn their stereos down when they put their windows down. Rap music blaring from a 13-yearold hatchback is just sad.
Eating salads in public and Doritos in private does not constitute a healthy diet.
Don't give retail clerks your area code, phone number or email address. The store is getting your money. That is enough.
Don't read a book while eating tomato soup. The pages will end up looking like murder scenes.
Stand in front of an infant who is projectile vomiting and pull the bottom of your shirt out to catch the vomit. Tossing a shirt in the washing machine is easier than scrubbing barf from the carpet.
Customers at grocery stores buying lottery tickets or cigarettes or other non-food items will be given priority over customers buying groceries.
Don't open the front door of your home for a person carrying a clipboard.
You cannot sneak a trip to a fastfood drive-through before dinner without your spouse finding out if your vehicle contains a child over two years old. That kid will rat you out.
Men who listen to girlie pop songs in private should store them on their iPods in a playlist called "wife's music" or "kids' music."
Don't order stir-fry in a pub.