Roger Collier

I've never had a zombie eat a brain! I don't know where that comes from. Who says zombies eat brains? -- George A. Romero, director of zombie movies, Vanity Fair.

I s there any creature more misunderstood than the zombie? Are there any former humans so mistreated by the living? So they are dirty and smelly and unattractive. Big deal. Before my morning shower, I'm no prize myself. But people don't scream and run away when I approach them. Why, then, do we act that way around zombies?

Think about the last time you saw one. You probably yelled, "Get away from me you monster!" If zombies had feelings, that would sting, don't you think? Maybe you ran home and locked your door, leaving the poor zombie in the street, all alone.

Or perhaps you shot the zombie in the head.

Hey, I've been there. Goodness knows I've shot my share of zombie heads. Yet I can't help but feel it's wrong, all this head shooting and decapitation. Have you ever considered that maybe it's us, not the undead, who are acting inhumane?

Hath not a zombie, amid its rotting organs, a heart that once beat as strong as yours doth now? If you prick a zombie, doth it not ooze? If you bisect it with a chainsaw, doth it not moan? (I realize that zombies moan constantly, but they seem to moan extra loud when you cut them in half.)

You probably think I'm some bleeding-heart activist who cares more about zombies than their victims. Not true. Besides, you do realize what happens to zombie victims, right? They become zombies. To care about victims is to care about zombies.

And somebody has to stand up for the undead; they don't seem capable of standing up for themselves, even those still with legs. Do you know that a zombie makes only 53 per cent of what a non-zombie makes for doing the same job? Do you know that only 27 per cent of university graduates are zombies? Number of zombies that have been prime minister of Canada: zero. So much for equality.

Why do we make life so difficult for reanimated corpses? According to a recent study from the Undead Research Institute, 98.7 per cent of people dislike zombies for the same reason: because they eat us.

OK, I get that. Nobody wants to be eaten alive. There is nothing people fear more, except public speaking. But let's not forget that zombies didn't choose to be zombies. Do you think anybody gets up one morning and thinks, "You know what would taste great with this coffee? My neighbours."

Of course, people caught and partially devoured by the walking dead are somewhat responsible for their own downfall. I mean, really, how hard is it to out-shuffle a zombie?

If you spend more time on a treadmill than elbow-deep in a chip bag, you can avoid zombies with ease. They're about as quick as a double-caned octogenarian with a drinking problem. And if you can't smell them coming, you've got a problem with your sniffer. Plus there's the moaning. Zombies are like wedding anniversaries; they only sneak up on the oblivious.

Perhaps we non-zombies would accept members of the undead community if we knew more about them. Our ignorance is astounding. Consider the widespread belief that zombies like to eat brains. That's a myth. They prefer entrails.

When you think about it, we could even learn a thing or two from zombies. Sure, they attack humans every chance they get, but have you ever seen a zombie lay a hand on its own kind? I doubt it. Zombie-on-zombie violence is practically non-existent. Mankind only wishes it could say the same.

Can things turn around for the zombie? Can their lot in undeath be improved? It doesn't look good. Politicians love to boast about their tough-on-zombie policies. Voters eat it that stuff up like zombies eat ... you know.

Does science provide the greatest hope? Will there soon be a cure for zombism? Not likely. The zombie community isn't exactly rolling in money, and no pharmaceutical company is going to invest billions in a drug for a group that can pay it back only in tattered khakis.

It is therefore up to each of us to change attitudes about zombies. After all, if you twist an ankle and your shotgun jams, it could be you out there shuffling around in search of entrails. Then you will really have something to moan about.