Roger Collier

"No Mommy! Not a Ziploc!" -- Quebec kindergarten student Felix Lanciault, telling his mother that his school would exclude him from a draw for a stuffed animal if she put an environmentally unfriendly plastic baggie in his lunch, ABC News.

The teachers here at Rivercreek Academy are pleased to welcome your child to this year's kindergarten class. We have sent you this letter, which is printed on paper recycled from old batteries and free-range chickens, to help you and your child prepare for the school year.

At Rivercreek, we focus on language, art, science and health. We also concentrate on the following three areas of learning: math.

All learning starts with language. After all, you can't learn if you can't communicate. And if we didn't have language, we would still be communicating the way cavemen did, with grunts, hand gestures and AOL e-mail.

Your child will receive instruction in three forms of language: oral, written and hyperbole. By the end of the year, he/she will be able to perform a short speech about the evils of suburbia, write picket signs for protests against commercial development, and frantically declare that the world's polar ice caps will melt within a decade and everyone on Earth will die unless mankind changes its polluting ways.

Also, he/she will learn to spell his/ her name.

Math is not the most popular subject, but it is an important one. Kids who are good with numbers grow up to be adults who are good with numbers. And adults who are good with numbers tend to be good at other important things, like sudoku and blackjack.

Our math program is demanding. In fact, it is so advanced that, by June, your child will be able to calculate your vehicle's fuel efficiency, using only a solar-powered abacus and a carbon-neutral pencil. Please note that if this calculation indicates your vehicle uses more than seven litres of gas per 100 kilometres, your child will be banned from school field trips. If you drive an SUV, your child will be forbidden from speaking with other students and forced to wear a sandwich board that says "Earth Killer."

Also, he/she will learn all numbers from one to seven (including "three").

Like math, science is a tough but important subject. By "science," we mean anything related to the environment. By "the environment," we mean the thing with trees that's being destroyed by non-celebrities, electricity users and Albertan elk herders with underground meth labs. (Elk urine is toxic).

Also, we will cover evaporation.

Though no parent wishes for their child to become an artist (a. k.a. barista), art can be an enriching component of education. This year's art activities include finger painting, sculpting models of the Earth goddess Gaia from clay, and throwing red paint on people wearing fur coats.

Also, your child will make a bunch of crap with Popsicle sticks.

Perhaps the most important subject a child can learn is health. If we don't have our health, we don't have much (besides the junk our possession-mad culture tells us we need). At Rivercreek, we stress both physical activity and healthy eating. Your child will participate in strength-building exercises such as protesting the seal hunt and chaining himself/herself to a large oak to prevent landowners from cutting trees on their own property.

As for healthy eating, we teach children to avoid any food that contains white flour, white sugar, white chocolate or white blood cells (such as human flesh). Our motto is "Don't put it in your tummy if it tastes kind of yummy, or like a Homo sapiens."

Speaking of food, the following is a list of food items prohibited on school property: salted peanuts, unsalted peanuts, partially salted peanuts, peppered peanuts, walnuts, nutmeg, wing nuts, chocolate-covered almonds, ham-filled cashews, honey-roasted peanuts, maple syrup-baked peanuts, agave nectar-braised peanuts and giant peanuts wearing monocles.

We also require that students bring their lunches in reusable containers made from wood, stone or cast iron. If your child enters school property with a plastic container, he/she will be excluded from our monthly eco-lottery and thus ineligible for prizes, which include dried fruit, hemp underpants and organic whiskey. If your child is found in possession of a plastic baggie, he/ she will be mini-spooned (beaten with tiny commemorative spoons) and thrown into a pit of snakes.

Also, he/she will learn about protein.

Again, welcome to Rivercreek Academy. It's going to be a wonderful year!