Roger Collier

T his is the first sentence in this newspaper column. This sentence, which immediately follows the first, is the second (sentence in this column). And this sentence, which contains 29 words (including the five in parentheses) and one number (29), is the third sentence in this column -- a column that, so far, contains three sentences. Now it has four.

I'm five sentences into this thing already, so I guess it's time to tell you, the reader of this newspaper column, what this article is about. OK, here is the topic (see next sentence). This is the world's first metacolumn. In other words, this column is about this column. Hear that? That's the sound of your mind being blown.

Now I will tell you why this topic is important and worth writing about. Hmm. (I'm thinking about what I'm going to say in the next sentence.) Writing a newspaper column about a newspaper column is important because newspaper columns are important. Why are newspaper columns important? I'm glad you asked. (You didn't really ask. That was a joke.)

A good newspaper column puts a human face on a truth-seeking collectivity whose organizing principle otherwise may be too fragmentary to easily grasp. Wait. What the heck does that even mean? What's a "truth-seeking collectivity?" Maybe I should have come up with my own sentence instead of stealing one from this website: economicprincipals.com.

That reminds me of something. (The following is a short digression.) If you are a professional writer who plans on plagiarizing someone else's work, be smart about it. Don't cut and paste something from the first article that pops up on Google. Guess what? Other people know how to use the Internet, too. And for goodness' sake, don't be one of those idiots who plagiarizes The New York Times. A lot of people read that newspaper -- like, millions of people. Someone will notice. If you get your hands on a newspaper from Bug Tussle, Alabama, (population: 8,198) then go nuts. But don't lift a word from The Times. (That digression was actually pretty long.)

This is another sentence in this column. This string of words ending in a period is also a sentence (in this column). This is the last sentence in this paragraph.

Time for some facts! Columns sometimes have facts, right? Don't other columnists put facts in their columns? Does this sentence also end in a question mark? Hmm. (I'm thinking about where I can get some facts.) Hey, I know. I'll find a study on the Internet and call it a "groundbreaking study" or a "breakthrough study" and say that it supports my argument. ( "What argument?" you ask. Good question.) I won't say anything about the quality of the study (that is, if it was randomized or double-blinded or placebo-controlled), or who funded it, or if it was led by a well-respected researcher, or if it was published in a prestigious scientific journal. Who cares if the study is good? It's not like I'm actually going to read it.

According to a recent groundbreaking study, newspaper columns are 32.5 per cent more influential in shaping public policy than Viagra, cellphones and dark chocolate combined. (That was my factish statement. Now I will write a preachy sentence with the word "should" in it.) Therefore, all people should read newspaper columns every day, including children, who should eat only vegetables, not delicious junk food, and should spend more time outside and stop playing video games, which are really fun but can turn you into a psychopath, according to another recent breakthrough study on the Internet.

Perhaps another fact would help this column. No. A personal anecdote! That's better than any boring fact. Hmm. (I'm thinking about personal anecdotes. Also bacon.) I am convinced, beyond shadow of doubt, that newspaper columns are important, because I once read a newspaper column that changed my life, and that column was this column -- a column about a column, a column that will change your life, too, if you let it.

Well, that's almost 700 words. Better wrap this baby up. Hmm. (I'm thinking about how to write 63 more words when I don't have anything else to say.) In summary, this column contains many sentences -- some long, some short, some medium-length, some with commas, some without (31 words to go!) and one with the word "chrysanthemum" (this one).

Oh, and one more thing. This is the last sentence in this column. Just kidding. This is the last sentence in this column.