Roger Collier

A s I lounged on the front deck of my parents' home in Newfoundland, watching the rising tide swallow sand bars in the bay, my thoughts turned to degrees. To eight degrees, specifically. Because that was the temperature. In July. Did I mention it was in July? In theory, that's a summer month, a time of year when women don bikinis and fret about the size of their thighs, and men don Bermuda shorts and fret about the size of their beer coolers.

When we left Ontario, on July 6, the province was in the middle of a heat wave, experiencing temperatures with more degrees than a protractor. Factoring in humidity, it felt like 43 degrees in Ottawa, 45 degrees in Toronto and 93 degrees in my arm pits. That's too hot -- but at least somewhat appropriate for July. But eight degrees? Come on. I know college professors with more degrees than that.

The day after we arrived in Newfoundland, however, the temperature shot up to 24 degrees, and the afternoon offered us all the sunshine we could handle. My wife even got a touch of sunburn. Having been away for so long, I had forgotten that the weather in my home province can so quickly swing from lousy to lovely.

My short-term ignorance reminded me of how ignorant many Canadians are about Newfoundland and, furthermore, about the people who live here. As a native son of the province that cod built, I feel obliged to set the record straight on a few matters.

But first, a brief refresher course. The island of Newfoundland (originally called Terra Nova, from "New Land" in Latin) was discovered and named by the Italian John Cabot (Giovanni Caboto), working under contract to England on his expedition from Bristol in 1497. This discovery is considered by historians as having laid the initial foundation of the British Empire, a fact solidified on Aug. 5, 1583, when Sir Humphrey Gilbert claimed Newfoundland as England's first overseas colony under Royal Charter of Queen Elizabeth I of England.

This bit of history sounds word-for-word like part of the "Newfoundland" entry on Wikipedia. ("Serving lazy plagiarists since 2001!") Any similarities, I assure you, are purely cut-and-pastable.

People from other provinces know Newfoundland folk are friendly and generous, but mainlanders get many other things wrong. Certain small-minded people, such as anthropologists, claim Newfoundlanders are the most homogeneous population in Canada. Not true. Ethnic diversity is evident across the province, including in my hometown, Head of Bay d'Espoir. Some people here, for instance, watch television on sets of Japanese origin. Several others have read about Africa in National Geographic. And the local beer store now stocks Corona.

Many people also believe that Newfoundlanders have shorter life spans than other Canadians. Again, not true. This myth arose from census data, which, I'm sure we can all agree, are full of super-confusing numbers. According to statistics, people in British Columbia live three years longer than people in Newfoundland. However, that doesn't take into account the time difference between the provinces, which, according to a formula I just made up, produces a life-expectancy number for Newfoundlanders that, when viewed upside down on a calculator, spells "boobless." This proves, beyond doubt, that I am as immature as my wife says I am.

Another fable is that Newfoundlanders set their elderly adrift on ice floes to die. Seriously, people, read your history books. It doesn't happen. Never did. Newfoundlanders send vegetarians out to die on ice floes. It seems barbaric but is necessary. It's hard to grow vegetables on a rock and you can't have anti-meat racists hoarding all the carrots.

It should come as no surprise, though, that these and other myths never seem to fade, considering there is an entire genre of jokes dedicated to Newfoundlanders. I am speaking, of course, of knock-knock jokes. I don't know how many times my Ottawa friends have annoyed me with this one:

A Newfoundlander who?

I didn't know you could yodel.

Newfoundlanders are a proud and kind-hearted people, and we deserve better. Enough with the falsehoods. Enough with the jokes. Though I would like to state, for the record, that I am in fact an excellent yodeller.