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A man's early years do little to prepare him for the finer points of domesticity. Sure, we men possess several innate skills that lend themselves to the domestic arena: We tend to be good at mowing lawns, shovelling snow, watching sports. But, on the whole, the new responsibilities that betrothal brings prove difficult for the coarser sex to master. Case in point: purse holding. Allow me to set a very familiar marital scene: A wife asks her husband to accompany her to the mall. (A horrific tale already, no? It gets worse.) Once there, she visits a store that sells neither 96-inch plasma screen TVs nor golf clubs. (Such stores exist, I swear.) She is then overcome with a desire to purchase something called a "blouse," which I believe is some sort of window covering. And then, as she approaches a collection of these frilly cloth monstrosities, she will say it: "Honey, can you hold my purse while I look through this rack?" And there you have it: Man, once brave hunter, once proud warrior, now keeper of handbags. But take heart, husbands, for throughout history there have been many men of high position relegated to purse-holding duty. King David often held Bathsheba's handbag while she combed the markets for scarves. (It's in the Bible, Versace 3:16.) Abraham Lincoln wrote eloquently of his purse-holding days in the Emasculation Proclamation. Today, the practice is more widespread, much to the chagrin of husbands everywhere. But grumble not. If purse holding be our lot, then bear it we shall. And, like the great male purse-holders of yesteryear, we should learn to do it well. It is therefore important to be versed in the basics of proper handbag retainment. A man should never smile while holding a handbag. Do you know what a grin-sporting man with a purse in his hand looks like? Like a purse-loving fool, that's what. The best way to ensure your lips don't accidentally bend upward is to think of something awful. I find imagining myself holding a purse in a women's clothing store usually does the trick. It is important to periodically transfer the purse from one hand to the other. The current fashion trend is gigantic handbags. Today's purses hold more junk than Keith Richards' circulatory system. If you don't alternate hands, you risk a bad case of ALS (Asymmetric Limb Syndrome). Experienced handbag guardians often master an advanced technique known as The Clutch and Lie. A man would use this technique when he's forced to simultaneously hold a purse and answer his wife's question regarding how she looks in a particular article of clothing. Novice purse-holders should not attempt The Clutch and Lie. It is very difficult to cling to your last shred of masculinity and, at the same time, tell your wife she looks good in leather pants. Since husbands will be spending so much time with purses on their arms, they would be wise to assist their wives in purchasing them. Men who don't will find themselves holding little pink numbers or, worse, bags covered in animal print. I favour simple black leather bags, which go nicely with jeans and running shoes. The Burberry plaid bucket bag is also quite handsome. (It looks great with my "Leafs Suck" T-shirt.) Men, we must set good examples for our sons. If we don't show them how to hold a purse, who will? My boy Jack is a year old. Someday, when he's grown, I hope he will remember the many times he saw his father standing next to a rack of bras at La Senza, clutching his mother's handbag, and think: My Dad didn't just hold purses. My Dad held purses like a man. |