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A recent television commercial for the Nissan X-Trail Bonavista, which depicts a car salesman from Newfoundland with an accent thicker than day-old gravy, has irked many in my home province. I was born and raised in Bay d'Espoir, a small community on Newfoundland's south coast. I am therefore qualified to comment on the beliefs held by many Canadians regarding Newfoundlanders. So, let's separate the facts from the fallacies, shall we? * All Newfoundlanders are guaranteed a stint on This Hour Has 22 Minutes. Fact. When Newfoundland joined Confederation in 1949, prime minister Louis St. Laurent promised Joey Smallwood that every Newfoundlander would be offered at least a one-year contract to perform on This Hour Has 22 Minutes, then in its third season. * Newfoundlanders' accents prove they are basically illiterate. Fact. Many people falsely believe that acquiring an accent is the result of growing up in a certain geographical area when, in fact, it is the result of a genetic defect that hampers its victim's ability to process written information. (I'd look up the exact name of the defect if I could read words composed of more than two syllables.) * All Newfoundlanders have huge foreheads and enjoy ranting nonsensically. Fallacy. And Rex Murphy doesn't count -- he wasn't "born" in Newfoundland; he was created in a laboratory. * Newfoundlanders lack intelligence. Fact. Take my brothers, for example. My older brother has a computer science degree and develops software for the Department of National Defence. One time he was creating an interface application using the Java programming language, but because his last project had been implemented using C++, he forgot that the "interface" keyword could be used to create an abstract base class. How embarrassing. And don't even get me started on my younger brothers. One's a civil engineer at a major international firm in Toronto and the other has a computer science degree and works for Bell. If only they had been born in Ontario: Then they would be smart enough to find real jobs. * A Newfoundlander will always come in second place on Canadian Idol. Fact. This is written in The Charter of Rights and Freedoms, immediately after the part about the right to arm bears. * Newfoundlanders are a hardscrabble people. Fact. I mean, fallacy. No, fact. Actually, I have no idea what hardscrabble means. * All Newfoundlanders learn how to club adorable, defenceless animals. Fact. All students in Newfoundland high schools must take a course titled "How to crush the skull of a small, cute, white-coated animal (preferably a baby seal) with a wooden club/wooden club with protruding nail." In my school, it was always taught after Hinglish class. Now that I live in Ontario, I rarely get the opportunity to strike living creatures, cute or otherwise. But if you ask me to go "clubbing," I'd recommend you wear a helmet. * Newfoundlanders are uncultured. Fact. Newfoundlanders enjoy participating in immature activities such as playing instruments, singing and dancing. Now that I live in Ottawa and have experienced its unique culture, I feel bad for those still on The Rock. They don't get to see grown men with painted chests screaming, "You're a bum, Alfredsson!" And they don't have access to great venues like the Congress Centre, which holds amazing events like the recent concert by Led Zeppelica, one of North America's top-eight Led Zepplin tribute bands. * Newfoundlanders can only write songs that contain the word "boat." Fallacy. The popular Newfoundland band Great Big Sea plays a song called Lukey's Boat. Wait, that's a bad example. There's the classic Newfoundland ditty I'se the B'y that Builds the. ... Never mind. * Newfoundlanders are the friendliest and funniest people in Canada. Dat's true, b'y. |